Who is the best match for ESFJs? What is an ESFJ - ESFJ relationship like? Are ESFJ and ESFJ compatible? Here, we take an in-depth look at the personality dynamics, through the lens of one couple’s love story.

Boo Love Stories is a series that highlights relationship dynamics between personality types. We hope others’ experiences can help you to navigate your own relationships and journey in finding love.

This story is from Nikki, a 47-year old ESFJ, & Brian, also a 47-year old ESFJ. Read on to find out more!

Their Story: The Ambassador (ESFJ) x The Ambassador (ESFJ)

Derek: Hi Nikki and Brian! Thanks for sharing your story with us today. How old are both of you?

Nikki (ESFJ): 47, both of us.

Derek: Same age, same personality type

Nikki (ESFJ): I know, right? That’s uncommon, right? I think we are different in a lot of ways though.

Derek: How so?

Nikki (ESFJ): The way that people describe it is that Brian is the nicer of the two of us. I’m very dominant and assertive. I take care of any conflict or issues that we have; booking flights that type of thing. Brian is more laid back and lets me take control. They refer to Brian as more easygoing, but they don’t refer to me like that. Apparently, I’m high-strung.

Derek: I’m noticing an accent, are you from out of the US?

Nikki (ESFJ): I am. I was born in England and moved out here in 1996, which is when I met Brian.

Brian (ESFJ): I’m originally from Connecticut, but I’ve been in Florida for maybe 40-42 years.

Derek: Nice. How did you meet?

Nikki (ESFJ): Well, my girlfriends and I used to play darts in downtown Orlando and his friends used to play at the same spot too. We made guy/girl teams, and Brian and I were put on the same team. This bar closed at 2, and before they would meet us, they would buy a boatload of beer, so that when the bar closed they could conveniently say, “Hey, we got beer at our house.” What had started out as playing darts ended up with us hanging out at their place. One thing led to another and it just worked out.

Derek: How so?

Nikki (ESFJ): We were probably messing around, spending the night, and stuff before we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It wasn’t a situation where we walked in and one of us was like “Oh my god, that is the love of my life”

Brian (ESFJ): We both just liked to play darts and drink and we still do.

The Dating Phase: Who Eventually Initiated the Question of Being Together?

Nikki (ESFJ): I think it was Brian because, at the time, I definitely wasn’t exclusive initially. That was creating an issue because we were spending a lot more time together. We went from messing about, hanging out, to formal dating, and having a conversation about it.

Derek: So, Brian initiated it. What did he say? Do you still remember?

Nikki (ESFJ): There was this guy that I met that was constantly blowing up my pager and Brian was getting upset about it. So, he said something about it. He told me that he liked me and he didn’t want this to be casual. I asked him what he was really saying and if he meant that he wanted us to be a real couple. He said yes.

Derek: What were you thinking at that point? Like, finally or…

Nikki (ESFJ): The opposite actually. I thought we were moving too fast. It wasn’t in the pot for me at the time, but he makes me laugh and he’s got qualities that were really important to me. He is honorable and he comes from a decent family. He makes me laugh and I thought, “You know what? It might be going a bit faster than I wanted it to go, but I don’t want it to stop.” So, I just went along for the ride.

Derek: Oh, so you agreed at that point, but you weren’t very sure. Got it. So, how long have you guys been together in total?

Nikki (ESFJ): 27 years

Derek: That's amazing. You guys feel so young!

Nikki (ESFJ): We were 20 when we met and we still feel young. We never had any children. Our life is all about us and that’s what’s worked.

Derek: That sounds like the secret.

Nikki (ESFJ): We both made the conscious choice not to have children for a variety of different reasons.

Nikki (ESFJ): Brian, you go first!

Brian (ESFJ): I like how she takes care of things, whether it's around the house or something that we are going to do. It’s just one less worry that I have to do. I just get along with her really well. We also enjoy the same things like going out to eat. With everything going on, it's been a little less, but we like to travel a lot as well.

Nikki (ESFJ): We like to party and have fun. Actually, we just built a house out here on the lake and it’s become the local hang-out spot. We have a bar outside and have people over constantly. We have a professional dartboard that you would see in bars that we love playing with.

Derek: Nikki, what do you like most about Brian?

Nikki (ESFJ): Well, he is really good in bed.

Derek: Wow, you guys are very open. I love it.

Nikki (ESFJ): He’s kind, he’s funny, and he lives up to what he says he’s going to do. He’s very loyal, but I think the most important thing for me is that we both still laugh about the same things we laughed at 20 years ago, and that's never changed.

Derek: What do you love to laugh about?

Brian (ESFJ): I love to make fun of her in a nice way. Never in a bad way. We like our space as well. We aren’t glued at the hip.

Nikki (ESFJ): You know how some couples go golfing together and all that crap? We don’t do that. We have separate interests.

Derek: How so?

Brian (ESFJ): I like to golf and she was into scrapbooking in the past. Now, she’s been writing on the blog for a couple of years. She doesn’t like sports, but I love sports.

Nikki (ESFJ): I hate sports, it's just nauseating to me and I don’t go.

Derek: What do you guys do when you do spend time together?

Brian (ESFJ): Going out on the boat, going out to eat, but most of the time, as she mentioned, we have people coming out here on the lake. We have a variety of friends coming here every week to keep things interesting.

Nikki (ESFJ): We have a really big social group. We play darts, golden tee, and just have fun!

The Ups and Downs: What Is the Most Challenging Aspect of Your Relationship?

Brian (ESFJ): For me, it’s being patient sometimes. I get cranky like an old man. We’re in Florida, and during the summertime, it's miserable when I’m working outside. So, a lot of the time just coming home, I might be in a bad mood, but she’s learned to ignore it, and just let me relax for a bit and decompress first.

Nikki (ESFJ): He’s like that in the morning too.

Brian (ESFJ): I’m not a morning person.

Derek: I like how you guys are just laughing about it.

Nikki (ESFJ): Something a lot of people lose sight of is that we all do things daily that can irritate other people. When we first got together, we used to argue over the stupidest things. For example, the clothes on the floor. To me, I questioned why not pick your clothes up and just put them in a hamper. It finally dawned on both of us that if it bothers me then I need to pick up the clothes because it doesn’t bother Brian. It’s easier to pick up the darn clothes than have this big long debate about it. I guess we just live by “If it bothers you, do something about it.”

Derek: How about you Nikki? What would you say is the most challenging aspect of your relationship?

Nikki (ESFJ): Definitely in the beginning, because I have a very corporate career, I don’t like the whole idea of conforming to a union. It took me a long time to get around to it. Also, when I ask him to do stuff, sometimes I have to ask him to do it 50 times and that drives me nuts.

Derek: Oh, so he doesn’t necessarily do something the first time you ask?

Nikki (ESFJ): Never on the first time, and I think he does it on purpose to defy me because I’m bossy.

Derek: Was the challenging aspect committing to one person or was it marriage in general?

Nikki (ESFJ): Now, it seems insignificant, but at that time, everybody was like, “What are you guys doing?” because we had been living together for 8 years, and it was getting awkward when we would go to a party or something and they ask, “This is your… boyfriend?”

Brian (ESFJ): Yeah, it was difficult. Like at work parties, when you’re in your mid-twenties and you introduce someone as your girlfriend, but every year it’s still just your girlfriend. It’s kind of like, let’s move on. It was great getting married, but if it was up to me, we wouldn’t have gotten married at all. I don’t see the significance in it at all. I really don’t.

Nikki (ESFJ): I feel like that. We definitely wanted to get combined insurance, right. So, there was that benefit. There were our parents nagging about us getting married as well.

Brian (ESFJ): If we could have thought of another word besides girlfriend, I wouldn’t have gotten married.

Nikki (ESFJ): Or if you could claim the same domestic partnership benefits, we would’ve done that, but it didn’t exist back then.

Derek: It’s really interesting that you guys just seem to break all the stereotypes of your corresponding personality types. Usually, ESFJ personality types are more traditionally focused, usually wanting to get married early, really respecting, and really enjoying the institution of marriage. At the same time, you guys really love to party and were not exclusive and seeing multiple people. Whereas ESFJs tend to want to be in stable relationships with one person, so it's really fascinating just talking to you guys and see how you completely break the stereotype in that regard.

Nikki (ESFJ): We probably break a lot of stereotypes. I mean, we don’t have any children after so many years. We got a lot of heat from our families about that because Brian’s mom is catholic and I come from a really small family. However, we just dug our heels and said we are just going to live how we want to.

Derek: Congrats to you guys, you guys seem like you are having a great time.

Nikki (ESFJ): We are, thank you. Life’s short, you know. Before my mother passed away, I became a hoarder, a saving hoarder. Before I even got my paycheck, I would take that money and stash it. I was always saving, saving, and saving until my mother passed, and then I got this sort of revelation of, “We aren’t saving anymore, we’re just gonna blow it all.”

Brian (ESFJ): I mean, we still save.

Nikki (ESFJ): Yeah, we do still save. But, put it this way, if he said to me, “Hey, there are some tickets to a flight to Japan and we have to go next week,” – we’re both in, we’re flying. We live in the moment and whatever we want, we do. Isn’t that right, Brian?

Brian (ESFJ): Yes, definitely.

Better Together: How Have You Grown by Being with Each Other?

Nikki (ESFJ): It’s balanced for me. I’m very assertive, anybody that knows me will tell you this. However, Brian will put up a fight and will put me in check, and will call me out when I need to be. That takes a lot. The average person wouldn’t do that and tell me when I’m wrong.

Derek: Do you have an example?

Nikki (ESFJ): Recently, when the photographs went up for a wedding, somebody asked who did the catering for the boards, which we did. However, I forgot to give credit to the people who helped put those boards together and Brian told me, “You’re a dick, that was mean.” I said, “Well, I didn’t mean to be mean”, but he held his ground and replied, “That’s still mean.” So, I went back online and corrected myself, and gave credit where credit was due. At the time, I hadn’t seen it through that lens, so it was good that he’ll tell me and call me out when needed.

Derek: So, Brian has helped you, over the years, to see things from different perspectives.

Nikki (ESFJ): This is probably the easiest way to say this, but he’s probably the one person that could control me.

Derek: How about you Brian, how do you think you’ve grown from being with each other?

Brian (ESFJ): It’s made me a better person. I started to care more about finances and taking better care of myself. I’ve always been more aggressive and prone to giving excuses, but that’s changed. I’ve also become more attentive.

Derek: I have to say, you guys sound like a 20-year-old couple.

Nikki (ESFJ): That’s interesting, people that meet us for the first time think we’re younger than we are. I think it’s because of the way that we live. You also learned to be more patient over time being with Brian’s crankiness.

Derek: Would you say you’ve grown in other ways from a personality perspective?

Nikki (ESFJ): I’m a lot more forgiving, not as hardcore, not as much black-and-white.

Derek: How has he made you more forgiving?

Nikki (ESFJ): I’m a very black-and-white type of person, but the world isn’t and everybody isn’t going to march to my band, if you will. Brian will tell me that and we will talk about it.

4 Surprising Secrets of ESFJ Love

In the love story of Nikki and Brian, the complex dynamics of an ESFJ - ESFJ relationship unfold in surprising ways. Nikki, a typical ESFJ, is known for her warm and caring personality, always striving to create harmonious relationships. Brian, on the other hand, presents a counterpoint, expressing his personality traits in a different way that adds a layer of intrigue to their relationship. This section uncovers the surprising secrets of ESFJ love dynamics through the lens of their unique relationship. Brace yourself for an enlightening journey into the heart of an ESFJ.

Surprising secret 1: Same but different

Despite sharing the same Myers-Briggs personality type (ESFJ), Nikki and Brian portray strikingly different temperaments, contradicting the stereotype that individuals of the same type will behave and react in exactly the same way. Nikki, the more assertive and dominant of the pair, typically takes charge of the relationship, managing conflicts and logistics, while Brian is more laid-back, content to follow Nikki's lead. This difference in approach not only highlights the diversity within a single personality type but also showcases how ESFJs, typically known for their harmonious interpersonal dynamics, can find balance in their relationships even when their demeanors vary significantly.

Surprising secret 2: Casual start to a long-lasting love

Nikki and Brian's love story didn't follow the traditional path often associated with ESFJ types. Their relationship started casually with no immediate declarations of love or commitment, a far cry from the stable, committed relationships ESFJs are known to seek out. This approach allowed them to build a solid foundation of friendship and camaraderie, leading to a stronger and deeper connection when they did choose to become exclusive.

Surprising secret 3: No children by choice

ESFJs are typically known for their nurturing nature and are often associated with strong family values. However, Nikki and Brian chose not to have children, focusing instead on each other and their shared experiences. This decision may have faced societal and familial pressures, but they've stayed firm in their choice, reinforcing that the choice of having a family is personal and not strictly confined by one's personality type.

Surprising secret 4: Valuing individuality within unity

Despite their deep commitment to each other, Nikki and Brian maintain their separate interests, another unexpected aspect of their relationship given ESFJs' reputation for co-dependency. They've created a relationship structure that encourages individual growth while still fostering a strong, committed partnership. Their shared love of fun and partying brings them together, while their individual interests (golf for Brian, blogging for Nikki) provide them with personal space, showing that a successful relationship doesn't necessarily require shared hobbies but rather mutual respect for each other's passions.

In essence, Nikki and Brian's love story brings to light the remarkable flexibility of personality types. It provides insights into how ESFJs can shape their relationships in ways that might not fit the conventional norms associated with their type, but still yield a lasting and fulfilling partnership. Their story serves as a reminder that love isn't bound by personality types or societal expectations but rather thrives on authenticity, mutual respect, and shared joy.

Closing Remarks and Advice from Boo

Nikki and Brian show us that two ESFJs can and do have happy and long-lasting relationships. They also show us that two of the same personalities can still comparatively feel different and complementary to each other. They still have their own unique strengths and learn from each other.

It also depends on the individual. Sometimes if you’re dating someone of the same time, you could be so alike that it just isn’t interesting or fulfilling. Or you might find someone with just the right amount of differences that you can still get the best of both worlds—similarity of shared preferences and values, and differences to compliment and help each other grow.

If you’re new to understanding MBTI compatibility and looking for an ultimate guide, you can read about Boo’s algorithm. And if you have any lingering doubts about the MBTI, you can read Why the MBTI is unfairly criticized. It’s time to finally end the debate.

We wish Nikki and Brian a wonderful and lasting relationship together. If you’re in a relationship and would like to share your love story, send us an email at hello@boo.world. If you’re single, you can download Boo for free and embark now on your own love journey.

Curious about other love stories? You can check out these interviews as well! INFP - ISFP Love Story // ENFJ - INFP Love Story // ENFJ - ENTJ Love Story // ENTP - INFJ Love Story // ENTJ - INFP Love Story // ISFJ - INFP Love Story // ENFJ - ISTJ Love Story // INFJ - ISTP Love Story // ENFP - INFJ Love Story