Who is the best match for INFJ and ENFP? What is an ENFP - INFJ relationship like? Are ENFP and INFJ compatible? Here, we take an in-depth look at the personality dynamics, through the lens of one couple’s love story.

Boo Love Stories is a series that highlights relationship dynamics between personality types. We hope others’ experiences can help you to navigate your own relationships and journey in finding love.

This story is from Kyra, an ENFP ex-Buddhist nun turned painter-artist. After divorcing with 2 daughters, this is how she found love again with an INFJ. Read on to find out more!

Their Story: The Crusader (ENFP) x The Idealist (INFJ)

Derek: Hi Kyra! Thanks for sharing your story with us today. How long have you guys been together?

Kyra (ENFP): About 4 years now.

Derek: How did you guys meet?

Kyra (ENFP): Well, it’s kind of a long, weird story. We actually met 13 years ago. We went to the same college together, which is this little Buddhist inspired university in Boulder, Colorado. When we met, we had a few classes together. We were both in a religious studies program. I was actually studying religious studies and psychology, and he was on the religious studies track. At the time we met, he was married, and I was a nun.

Derek: Oh wow, how interesting!

Kyra (ENFP): I was a nun in the Hindhu tradition, and suffice to say, there wasn’t any chemistry or anything between us, because we were living very different lives, but we chatted and had some classes together. We graduated, went our separate ways. And about 4 years ago, we had a few mutual friends on Facebook, and I saw he commented on one of our mutual friend’s posts. And I thought, oh yeah, Robert, I remember him, so I sent him a friend request. I guess he saw the friend request, dug into my profile a little bit, and sent me a message and said, oh wow! so good to see you, I see we were both divorced. After being a nun, I left that path, got married and had 2 kids, and subsequently got divorced. He said, I see we’re both divorced and have 2 daughters, and live in the same town. We actually realized we lived just 2 miles away from each other.

When we connected, we said let’s get the kids together, because our kids were close in age. So there was no intention at all of it being romantic. I think at that point in time both he and I were very burned in that department, like just kind of done with it. I was at the point where I either want the whole enchilada or no enchilada, and I was banking on no enchilada at that point in time, if that makes sense.

The Dating Phase: How Did You First Get Together?

Kyra (ENFP): We got together and our first date was actually a play date with the kids at a local neighborhood park. We hung out a few times several times after that with just his kids and friends. Both of us were extremely skeptical. I think we stayed in the friend zone area for quite a few months before the prospect of even breaching that area and bringing up the conversation. Even before we went on our first date, we had long conversations about what we wanted in relationships, even sexual preferences, things along those lines. I got really intimate before we went down that road. I remember I think the day we thought it was both going to work was when I was busy working and he offered to have my girls over to babysit so I can get some work done, because I’m self-employed. He just grabbed me and kissed me, and it was like being struck by lightning. I’m pretty sure it was the same thing for him too. I got in the car and started giggling hysterically. The rest was history.

Derek: So Robert (INFJ) initiated at that point before you’ve had an official date?

Kyra (ENFP): I think we had one date at that point in time, and i was still skeptical. We had gone out on a date and went out dancing, and there was none of that overtly flirty energy between us yet, because we were both still very reserved. Both of us were in this area where we weren’t expecting anyone to show up. I think he realized there was some potential there, and thought, oh forget it, I’m going to grab her and kiss her, and the chemistry was pretty wild in that point of time.

Derek: That’s interesting, it’s a bit almost uncharacteristic for an INFJ to be the more aggressive one in pursuing the relationship.

Kyra (ENFP): Yeah, he was very reserved and we had spent so much time talking and getting to know each other. I was actually really clear, which was a pretty ENFP thing, where I said I wanted a man who will let me know that he wants me. You know, I didn’t want to be the one chasing. He heard that.

Derek: So that’s something you told him?

Kyra (ENFP): Yeah, I mean I didn’t say for him to grab me and kiss me. But I said I didn’t want to be the aggressor in the relationship. That’s not the role I want to play. But as a feminine ENFP, I definitely have a lot of masculine qualities; I’m definitely an energetic powerhouse in that sense. But I was looking for someone who could match me in that. He’s someone who is extremely introverted, but he’s a mature INFJ. So he heard that and was confident in his ability to step forward and basically say, yup this is what I want so I’m kissing you!

Derek: Do you remember who made the first move?

Kyra (ENFP): He definitely did. I was really reserved. He continuously was the one who was engaging and actually showing up really strongly as a friend, first. I think that was one of the significant aspects for me because I didn’t get this kind of sexual predatory energy from him at all. And I wasn’t interested in that, and I don’t think he was interested in that. He was in a place where he was interested in a relationship, not dating casually. Both of us were pretty past that and in our stage of life with kids. He consistently showed up as a friend, helping me with a big fundraising event I did, babysitting my children, which was huge. He invited me and my girls on Valentine’s Day, got them little candies, and it felt very much like building a deep friendship. But he was the one that was continuously nurturing that. So I was getting very trustful with him because of that because it felt like I had power to keep it either way. And I was keeping it in the friend-zone, and so was he, so it felt safe.

And then he was like, now we’re taking this to the next level. We had delved so deeply into conversation as far as our intimate desires. He was the one to make the first move. And I know this isn’t characteristic either of his type, but that’s kind of something that made it thrilling for me. Typically in my past relationships, I had been the aggressor, the more dominant energy in the relationship. So it was refreshing.

Derek: Why do you think your preference has changed toward wanting to be the person pursued?

Kyra (ENFP): Well, I wanted it to be more equal. I’m a typical ENFP in the sense that I go a thousand miles an hour, I have a million projects going, I don’t sit still. I’m just kind of a creative powerhouse, I’m a professional artist, it’s what I do for a living, painting and creating. It always felt like partners in the past had ridden my coattails, and it was what happened in my marriage where I was bringing everyone along for the time. They were having a great time but suddenly the relationship felt like a weight. What I wanted was someone who could meet me there, who was clear in their desires, supportive to let me be the crazy creative person that I am and able to go with me, but at the same time not feeling like I’m carrying the weight. I wasn’t carrying them, they were simultaneously being there in energy and being powerful and strong and who they are, and that I have in this relationship. It’s really quite a remarkable match.

Derek: So when did you first bring up the topic of MBTI in the relationship?

Kyra (ENFP): I think he brought it up actually first, and I completely had forgotten what mine was. I did the Myers Briggs test back in college in one of my psychology courses. He was very aware of his INFJ status haha. He dove into it and said, totally, by the book. I did the test and said I was an ENFP.

Derek: Did his eyes light up at that point? Like you’re the one?

Kyra (ENFP): Yeah, basically! The more we dove into it, I was like, oh wait, this is the perfect personality match. By that time, we were already together and it made perfect sense. He’s the most extroverted of the introverted types. I’m quite introverted despite being an extrovert. We each bring out each other’s extraversion and introversion just enough, so we find a beautiful balance. We are both extremely intuitive. We both tested almost towards 100% intuitive, so there’s a lot of trust there. Everything else balances well and we’re quite complementary. I’m an artist, he’s an IT consultant. The logic he works with and the swirling chaotic colors I work with balance each other out.

Kyra (ENFP): I would definitely say that we’re both intuitive and deeply spiritual being the foundation. I won’t sugarcoat it since this is an article about relationships. Our sex life is astonishingly beautiful, it’s fabulous. We have 4 kids between us, and we have more sex between any other people that we know. It’s complementary to our spiritual side, and it comes out as a way we connect. We’re both outdoorsy, we live in Colorado in the U.S., so we spend a lot of time together doing backpacking, hiking, things like that. We both have the same moral foundation—the things that are really important to us like our service to the world. We’re planning on buying a property and building a permaculture food forest on there and doing an off-grid community thing. That’s a really huge lifelong dream that I’ve had, and it’s amazing to share it with a partner. No partner before had that dream. I think that’s really it. More importantly, above all of that, we’ve been married, had kids, and had grown and matured into our personality types. There are definitely ways in which the personality types can show up immaturely, like the door-slam, or mine where I get plowed over in terms of boundaries because I don’t express myself in conflict, things along those lines. We’re both mature enough to stand in those positions and recognize where we can show up better. We’re very different people in many ways, but the ways we do match are beautiful, and the most important ways.

The Ups and Downs: ENFP - INFJ Relationship Challenges

Derek: Do you feel the dynamics of your relationship has changed from the start to now, 4 years later?

Kyra (ENFP): I think it has deepened. The thing that’s really beautiful about this relationship is because we were very clear in what we were looking for, there really wasn’t any surprises. As things have evolved, we’re raising our children together now, living together. This happened a year after we started dating. I think that the biggest surprises have come through parenting dynamics and being a blended family now. Because of the kids personalities. They for the most part mesh well, but as they’re getting older and things change, there are new challenges. As far as our relationship dynamic, we’re really solid with the way we approach issues of conflict. Because every relationship has it, we don’t often conflict, but we have ground rules as to how to approach that. If one of us is being a jerk, we have to have the maturity to be able to hear it out and not storm out of the room and have a temper tantrum. Robert (INFJ) is very INFJ in the sense that he does the door-slam.

In our house, we call it cold anger. If he gets pissed, a mature INFJ would express it and then just need a lot of space. Some people call it the door slam, where you just have to get away, don’t talk to them, none of that.

Derek: What do you find the most challenging about your relationship? Your differences in handling conflict?

Kyra (ENFP): That would be one, but I would say maybe the most challenging is parenting. He’s the strict one, the disciplinarian part. I’m the one who meets more on the emotional level with the kids, which doesn’t equate to discipline. It’s always navigating this spectrum, where it’s easier with each other when we’re in conflict, but it’s harder in parenting, especially when it’s the other partner’s children. We’re dealing with different personalities, and inherent protectiveness of our own kids, and bias, because we know their personalities well and relate to them. My kids are more like me, and his are more like him. It’s an opportunity. We’re dealing through our children, immature aspects of our own personality types.

One thing that has been very helpful for us in our relationship is recognizing how we as different personality types handle conflict. He does the door-slam and needs space, so knowing from the beginning that that’s what he’ll do, then I don’t take it personally. I can say, that’s how he processes information, and for me, I’m the silent one, where if I’m upset, I’m silent, and it takes me a while. I do the reverse door-slam, where I don’t communicate at first, I sit with it, and then come later and communicate it. And he’s able to recognize that and know that’s how we work. We actually even talked about that as a family and bring it up with the children. We try to use it as a way to cultivate emotional intelligence for all of us.

It’s the only way I found that is really healthy. It’s never easy, but it definitely helps us. There’s a level of acceptance that comes through. In my experience with past relationships, that’s always been the biggest dealbreaker where everyone takes each other’s reactions personally. If we can just remove ourselves from the equation and see how oftentimes we’re triggered by perpetual patterns in our own psychology and has nothing to do with the person. We attract people in that trigger those patterns, then we can see that and we don’t take it personally, and work through it instead. Both of us have backgrounds in psychology and Buddhist mind-training, which has been extremely helpful in our relationship. It gave us a lot of tools to stay healthy in our relationship, recognize mental patterns, and be very accepting of our differences.

Derek: Is there anything you’d like to change about your partner?

Kyra (ENFP): I mentioned the door-slam, but I think that has improved a lot. Even when I met him, with stories of his past relationships, I think that has improved. The beautiful part of our relationship is that when those immature old patterns show up in us, we can recognize it and own it. There’s a beautiful sense of intimacy and growth that comes from it because we can take responsibility for ourselves.

Better Together: How They’ve Grown

Derek: How have you guys grown by being with each other?

Kyra (ENFP): Oh my gosh, tremendously. I think through the years of mind training he’s done, he has worked much harder on it than I have, even though I was monastic. After I left my monastic path, I did a typical ENFP thing and said I’m free for all now, that kind of thing, and my free spirit shown through. Whereas he was very disciplined with it. His approach to that discipline has been very rewarding because the tools and methods of recognizing the patterns of the mind, the psychology that Buddhism specifically presents, he’s clear with. I’ve learned what a healthy relationship looks like and recognizing that and setting that standard has made me set higher standards for myself as an individual and a deeper sense of personal responsibility. This relationship hasn’t been co-dependent as past relationships had been; it’s interdependent.

Closing Remarks and Advice from Boo

In many ways, Kyra’s and Robert’s dating experience is similar to that of other ENFPs and INFJs. In the dating phase, both types like spending a lot of time getting to know one another on a deep level, even just talking with one another for hours on end about their hopes and dreams, and connecting almost spiritually.

They started their relationship in their 30s, after already having children. Their relationship illustrates that personality type dynamics are different at different stages of life. As people grow older, they begin to mature as more well-rounded personalities, improving the worst aspects of their personalities from their younger years.

The ENFP - INFJ pairing is one we recommend. Although no personality pairing works out 100% of the time, their similarities and shared values make it much easier to connect, understand, and appreciate each other for who they naturally are. They are similar and different in just the right ways.

We wish Kyra and Robert a wonderful and lasting relationship together. If you’re in a relationship and would like to share your love story, send us an email at hello@boo.world. If you’re single, you can download Boo for free and embark now on your own love journey.

Curious about other love stories? You can check out these interviews as well! ENFJ - INFP Love Story // ENFJ - ENTJ Love Story // ENTP - INFJ Love Story // ENTJ - INFP Love Story // ISFJ - INFP Love Story // ENFJ - ISTJ Love Story // INFJ - ISTP Love Story // INFP - ISFP Love Story // ESFJ - ESFJ Love Story